Tiny Acts of Evil

smoking martini cocktail

I’m a tourist not a traveller. I don’t need to defecate in a dunde to enjoy myself. I can manage in dead glamorous hotels with a barman who makes the perfect martini and a bedroom blacked out better than Dracula’s coffin. But, like Freud, I feel anxious before travel even when my destination isn’t deprivation. He called it Reisefieber; I call it fear that my Louis Vuitton suitcase will be stolen. It’s all I have left of Granny Black. Apart from her rubies and pearls and spare teeth.

The first time my bag was snatched I was on holiday with Gang of Four: Maddie, Daddy and their two drunk doppelgangers. As we came out of the airport in Spain I saw an old guy with osteoporosis escaping with my suitcase. Maddie sank her teeth into him while Daddy grabbed his arthritic legs. Red faces all round when it turned out that old Salvador was our driver. Honour your father and mother; unless they are torturing an OAP. If there was any chance that Salvador’s still alive, I’d send him a bottle of Fountain Super HA for his joints and a tube of Sheald to fade the bite marks on his face. Read More…

Bad Behaviour

bad made of grass

I was minding my own business in Hyde Park, hoping I’ll never have a bench named after me, when a dog called Jekyll tried to rape me. His panting owner, whose red face made me reach for my SDSM, blamed me for his pooch’s bad behaviour. “Don’t encourage him,” Big Red shouted, like it’s my fault his pet is a rapist. There’s not much a blast of SDSM can’t cure but this victim blamer was inflamed with outrage so I didn’t waste my NIOD on him.

What kind of a weirdo calls his dog Jekyll? Names are important and that’s just not the right name for a sex offender. In China, people change their name when they want to change their luck. I was supposed to be called Vivien after the bi-polar beauty Vivien Leigh but my dad got drunk on his way to register my birth. He forgot the time. And the date. And the name. All he could remember after a night on the single malt was that I had been born in Grandfather Money’s bed; though Grandfather wasn’t in it at the time. The registrar preferred screwball comedienne Carole Lombard to mad, bad Vivien Leigh so my evil twin got to be Vivvy. Read More…

The Ordinary – How To Create A Skincare Routine

test tubes with dropper

After writing my article The Ordinary – The Definitive Review, I knew there were going to be lots of questions asking for recommendations due to the sheer number of products. With so many options available I realized many of you would (and did) find it confusing and overwhelming when it came to picking the ingredients that would suit your needs. This is why I also wrote The Ordinary – A Regimen For Every Skin Type as I wanted that article to serve as a general guide to help you find the best products for each skin type and while that helped, a new question started being asked, which lead to me writing this one.

As it turns out, aside from wanting to know what to buy, you also wanted to know when to use certain products and/or what order everything goes in. I know that many of you are new to this crazy skincare world (welcome!) and have no idea what a “complete” routine looks like and are eager to create one that incorporates The Ordinary and this step by step guide will show you exactly how to do it. We would love to be able to give all of you a personalized skincare regimen, but it’s just not possible, so instead you now have “The Ordinary Trilogy”. A trifecta of articles to help you learn about each product, choose the right ones for your skin and understand when to use them. Read More…

Desert Island Lips

desert-island-lips

When Guru Gill invited me to select some of my favourite things, I had to resist loading the entire site into my basket. I’m struggling to find anything VH that I don’t adore.

Except maybe Enterosgel, the drink that stops diarrhoea, because it reminds me of a pig farmer sitting next to me on a flight to Columbo who said, “Don’t worry…I have lots of lovely pigs at home. You are not my type.”

But I don’t want to be banished from the inner sanctum. The Guru has already told me off. At least she hasn’t taken the Wet Brush to me. When I beat the manservant, I use the pink watercolour detangler with the scary spikes. Disciplining him totally tones my arms. Read More…

My Journey – Arly

new plant growth

It has been a whirlwind month since I officially joined the VH inner sanctum and I still can’t get over it. One of the reasons this new role is so special to me is because Victoria Health saved my life and not figuratively, I mean that literally. Gill, Shabir and the dearly missed Sally Brampton helped me through one of the most difficult times in my life and their collective help, knowledge and support changed me in so many ways. Without them I wouldn’t have a blog, wouldn’t be as passionate about skincare and certainly wouldn’t be here writing this. I know many of you will have only just discovered me through the articles I’ve written on here or from my blog or Instagram, but I have been here with you as a fellow VH Addict for years, and today I want to share my journey with you.

We have all heard the cliché adage regarding health, wellness and skin, how it’s all connected and that you can’t have one without the other, but for me that was never true. For most of my life I existed in the realm of “generally” – generally good health, generally good skin and generally active (but not really), all while eating whatever I wanted and generally looking very well. Read More…

June Newsletter

Spaceship

Welcome to the June newsletter where we launch two new brands and several new products; we do updates on NIOD and The Ordinary, of course we do, and we take a look at sinus congestion, together with a product Shabir recommends to help clear blackheads. There is a treat from Margaret Dabbs and for the second month running another VH Addict has jumped on board and entered the inner sanctum, although quite honestly she has been ‘inner sanctum’ for several years. Additionally I jump onto The Podium because there are things that need to be said, and I’m going to say them. Let’s do it: Read More…