Creepy Claus


Dangerous and I don’t do Christmas. “Is that allowed?!” Crazy K screamed, even more shocked than the time she caught me dancing in my pants to Abba. You know that thing when people have Mad stuck in front of their name – Mad Gill springs to mind – but they are frighteningly sane? Well, Crazy K is really crazy. Top of her xmas wish list is a trip to the loony bin where the temptation to over-eat is curtailed by a strait-jacket.

My idea of a great diet is a pack of Biocol Labs Something for a Detox Week; hers is being chained to a pole beside a chamberpot. The Priory is for pussies; she wants a Nurse Ratched nuthouse. Last xmas Crazy K gave us His and Hers monogrammed colonic hoses (“unused”), when we would have preferred a Complete Body Cleanse Kit or a cup of Gentian Bitters. Dangerous has been phobic about opening unsolicited gifts since Mad Jen sent him a set of “spy soaps” she made out of hamster jobbie. Read More…

Desert Island Lips


When Guru Gill invited me to select some of my favourite things, I had to resist loading the entire site into my basket. I’m struggling to find anything VH that I don’t adore.

Except maybe Enterosgel, the drink that stops diarrhoea, because it reminds me of a pig farmer sitting next to me on a flight to Columbo who said, “Don’t worry…I have lots of lovely pigs at home. You are not my type.”

But I don’t want to be banished from the inner sanctum. The Guru has already told me off. At least she hasn’t taken the Wet Brush to me. When I beat the manservant, I use the pink watercolour detangler with the scary spikes. Disciplining him totally tones my arms. Read More…

Confessions Of A VH Addict


Addiction is in my blood, but in a family of junkies I was the one without a habit. Daddy gave up dialysis to spend more time in the pub. Mummy is hooked on smoking, shopping and risking skin cancer in the sun. My brother took the conventional route with sex, drugs, and suicide. ‘Drugs,’ as Dr Dex is fond of saying, ‘are only a problem when you stop taking them.’ Despite having diplomatic immunity at High School, I was never into angel dust and downed water before it was fashionable. ‘Never get high on your own supply,’ as Michelle Pfeiffer warns in Scarface. It wasn’t until my supply was cut off that I realised I was an addict. Read More…