Diary Of A VH Addict

Bad Words

Chalk words

Just another day at Addicts’ Mansions, the manservant and I taking turns at spraying each other with that legal high Magnesium Oil, having a wee whine about stuff we hate, when my dentist called to invite me “up the Amazon”.

“Just two gals having a laugh,” Max said. “We could take our teeth whitening kits!”

Regenerate is the only thing that’s allowed to clean my teeth and gals is one of many words that I can’t stand. I’d like to hurt everyone who shouts Enjoy! after selling me a cup of coffee. I want to kill men who use the l word. Euphemism. Three letters. Starts with l ends with o.

You start using words ironically, like gosh and crikey, then catch yourself doing it for real. I’m not a fan of gloom balloons but I can’t stand aggressively cheerful people either. Or singing washing machines. Or unisex names. Or beards.

Pogonophobiacs are always at the back of the queue when phobia sympathy is dished, but we suffer every time a beard moults. I was confronted with one in a library book today. I may have to give up my borrowing habit.

Books were forbidden in our house, Maddie called them “germ traps”, so I was dying to get into the library and read a book! I crawled under the shelf that separated the children’s section from the adult books and sat under a plant reading Wuthering Heights and Valley of the Dolls and a biog of Mary Queen of Scots that was bigger than me.

I wanted to take a stick to Jane Eyre; and drink a martini with Jordan “let the other drivers be careful” Baker in The Great Gatsby. I could never love anyone who doesn’t love my favourite book Two Serious Ladies, a gift from Dangerous on our honeymoon; another word I can’t stand.

A good book leaves blank space for the reader’s imagination to interact with the words on the page. Reality is over-rated.

Crazy K de-stresses by stuffing her face with lettuce, a natural opiate; but when I’m up tae high doh I prefer escaping into the zero calorie worlds of fiction. Though I am pure gutted that I can’t try SOS Pearl Drops because valerian makes me aggressive. Dangerous had to stop me hurting a pharmacist who gave me melatonin with added valerian. That chemist fell well short of Mr Shabir’s standards; though maybe the iron golf club was overkill.

Reading ruins you, really ruins you said Mao Zedong who stayed in bed all day reading while his followers smashed up the Forbidden City. Traditional Chinese beds have an oven under them so the Chairman was nice and toasty while re-reading Confucius.

He may have launched ten billion fashion disasters with that Mao suit, but he earned his place in Chinese heaven with his literacy revolution; teaching China how to read by introducing pinyin (a system which makes Chinese characters more accessible to the adult learner).

Knowledge is power but despite being a bossy boots Mao shared the power of words with the illiterate masses. When he heard the word culture the wee megalomaniac may have reached for his chopsticks and stuffed his face with more Hunan chow, but he democratically chose Mandarin as the official language even though he didn’t speak it properly; his speeches had to be subtitled.

But I’m not a dictator so when I stay in bed with Machiavelli my short attention span manservant disturbs me every 30 seconds with annoying questions.

“Are men allowed to use Feminine Happy Oil?” Yes if you want me to hurt you; steal some of mine.

“Richard 3rd is unfriending you again.” Richard 3rd is my bitter and twisted friend who lies about her height.

When a paranoid loon diagnoses you bipolar because you don’t want to listen to another moan on the phone, it’s time to hit the block button and get back to your book.  Books don’t insult you or suffer from skin envy. If they bore you, just close it and open a new one.

So I lost a friend. A short friend. One who uses the p word – six letters begins with p and ends with r. But I gained an afternoon with Chroma, Derek Jarman’s poetic meditation on colour written while he was dying in the grey lunar landscape of Dungeness.

It pure cheers me up when I see a tramp reading. Chicken Man, who lives in my street, is working his way through Harry Potter though I can’t resist giving him a copy of Songs of Innocence and Experience because he sits on a Soho step near Blake’s birthplace.

I’m using tramp in the English sense but I look over the shoulders of sluts to see what they are reading too.

Reading is so unfashionable it’s almost cool. Print books are the new vinyl, exotic collectors’ items to be displayed and sniffed. Words and their multiple meanings have seduced me since I learned to read.

First you learn to read and then you learn to write, joining the dots to form words on the page in your head. Everyone has a book in them and sometimes it’s best left there along with your liver and kidneys.

I’m not a book snob. I read online too and haven’t strained my eyes since taking Eyebright as recommended by Mr Shabir; and copied Empress Jo’s computer specs.

IRL I don’t need specs, apart from my vintage YSL shades, but have had no headaches since getting my Miss Moneypenny jobbies for screen glare. OMG I’ve been living in London so long I’ve started using jobbie in the English sense! In Scottish it means shite.

Ok, I’m weird. I can hear you! Just remember. One person’s weird is another person’s special.

Carole Morin’s books include Spying on Strange Men and Dead Glamorous

Psychic Sisters

magnifying glass over heart

Everybody needs a witch. Because a detox is not just for your liver and gut. A spiritual spring clean decongests your home the way Electrogel Cleanser cleans the pores.

Saturn is in my house of destiny, so I booked a session with my witch and asked if the Guru is going to sack me as frequently threatened. Witchy ordered me to pick a tarot card but wouldn’t let me see it.

Read More…

Daddy

glass with ice

My dad died today. Of course he didn’t die today; he died on this date three years ago. Deaths are easier to remember than birthdays. Or they were before Facebook gave everybody a prompt.

Daddy gave up dialysis to spend more time in the pub because he didn’t want to spend what turned out to be the last year of his life with “a bunch of boring old guys in an ambulance”.

He had a list in his wallet of all the people who have died doing a detox and sang a Scottish version of Amy Winehouse’s Rehab. “The cheese tried to make me go to rehab but I said naw naw naw.”

When the doctor told him he had two weeks to live he rolled his eyes and said, “Two weeks! In this place! Can’t you give me a jag?”

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Big Head

things-jan-18-3

It started with my tubercular toe. But let’s not start at the very beginning; often a bad place to start. This week it started with the fat lady who fell on top of me; somewhere between sexual assault and attempted murder. It could have happened to anyone; but it happened to me. The fat lady landed on the cracked toenail that had already been run over by a PR who went all passive-aggressive with the wheels of my suitcase after offering to push it for me.

No sooner had foot queen at Margaret Dabbs glued my big toe back together than the fat lady danced on it.  I put out my hand to stop her having a second jig and sprained my wrist. Sane Shabir sent me Bromelain for soft tissue injury which solved that problem. Then I woke up with a spot. More like a planet than a spot. Next time you use a Spacemask, instead of going to Mars you could just pay a visit to the gigantic plook on my face. I could build homes on it and solve the international refugee crisis. Read More…

Creepy Claus

cm-dec-2017

Dangerous and I don’t do Christmas. “Is that allowed?!” Crazy K screamed, even more shocked than the time she caught me dancing in my pants to Abba. You know that thing when people have Mad stuck in front of their name – Mad Gill springs to mind – but they are frighteningly sane? Well, Crazy K is really crazy. Top of her xmas wish list is a trip to the loony bin where the temptation to over-eat is curtailed by a strait-jacket.

My idea of a great diet is a pack of Biocol Labs Something for a Detox Week; hers is being chained to a pole beside a chamberpot. The Priory is for pussies; she wants a Nurse Ratched nuthouse. Last xmas Crazy K gave us His and Hers monogrammed colonic hoses (“unused”), when we would have preferred a Complete Body Cleanse Kit or a cup of Gentian Bitters. Dangerous has been phobic about opening unsolicited gifts since Mad Jen sent him a set of “spy soaps” she made out of hamster jobbie. Read More…

Tiny Acts of Evil

smoking martini cocktail

I’m a tourist not a traveller. I don’t need to defecate in a dunde to enjoy myself. I can manage in dead glamorous hotels with a barman who makes the perfect martini and a bedroom blacked out better than Dracula’s coffin. But, like Freud, I feel anxious before travel even when my destination isn’t deprivation. He called it Reisefieber; I call it fear that my Louis Vuitton suitcase will be stolen. It’s all I have left of Granny Black. Apart from her rubies and pearls and spare teeth.

The first time my bag was snatched I was on holiday with Gang of Four: Maddie, Daddy and their two drunk doppelgangers. As we came out of the airport in Spain I saw an old guy with osteoporosis escaping with my suitcase. Maddie sank her teeth into him while Daddy grabbed his arthritic legs. Red faces all round when it turned out that old Salvador was our driver. Honour your father and mother; unless they are torturing an OAP. If there was any chance that Salvador’s still alive, I’d send him a bottle of Fountain Super HA for his joints and a tube of Sheald to fade the bite marks on his face. Read More…